I hate you. Is that too harsh? I’m sorry, not sorry.
If I remember correctly I graduated High School. And college for that matter. I have done my time, man. I put in my hours and made it through and I did right by you. I mastered my 3×5 cards and studied like a boss. You have a lot of audacity to show back up in my home like every stinking night with a vengeance. We soothed ourselves by saying, “I’ll never have to use this again.” Turns out that was a big fat lie.
Math. Seriously- bite me. My dad is a math teacher. I disgrace his legacy daily around here. Who in the Frick wants to add, multiply, and subtract fractions at 40 years old? No one. And by no one, I mean no one. You are not welcome here pre-algebra. Take your x’s and y’s and go. Far away. I don’t want to figure out what number you are. Just tell us already so we can all move right along. I have meals to cook, laundry to fold, and fights to break up. You are cramping my flow. There are tears and complaining around here and I’m soothing my kids with, “you’ll never have to use this again”….. until you have children of your own, that is, and you have to PULL them through their homework.
Spelling. Dear baby Jesus. I have managed to get through life pretty squarely and I thought intelligently. But, as it turns out I apparently don’t know how to spell words. Thankfully, I am the one quizzing my kids. And thank you so much for reminding me that I have relied heavily on spell check to the point that I’m a little dumb and dumber. Why is my fourth grader smarter than me?
History. I can’t even. There are just too many details. Too much has happened around here. I really just want to watch documentaries on Netflix, okay? I don’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday much less the leader of some (albeit super important) war that occurred approximately a billion years ago. All I really know is Eve ate the apple, she blamed Adam and now we have to do homework. The end.
Geography. Where in the world is Carmen SanDiego? Where in the world is anything? Did I even take geography as a kid? I’m thinking no because these countries you’re needing me to show my kids where they are …. literally the first time I’ve even heard of them. My world view is the size of a penny I guess. I get it. Got it. Thanks for the confidence boost geography.
To all the parents out there doing homework with your children I see you. I feel you. I pray for us. If we can get through this I swear we can get through anything. Amen and amen.
Dear School Cancellation Days,
I am truly lucky to have four children. Two boys and two girls. I have known so many people in my life that have struggled to have children of their own so this gift is not lost on me at all. I swear. But, I love school. I love it with every fiber of my being. I love the influence of the teachers in the myriad of ways that they speak into my children’s lives. I love the sense of responsibility that’s fostered in them through things like homework and book reports and making their OWN lunches each day (since I apparently don’t know how to put anything “good” in there). I love that they get to expand their mind through art and music and science. I love watching their interpersonal relationships grow through recess and lunch, albeit twenty minutes short. I love school from drop off to pick up…..
Can I just say to you, school cancellation day, that you are cramping my style man. The very week I decided to paint my entire main level floors white you go and give my kids not one but three days home from school. I get it – there’s a negative fifty degree windchill in Minnesota this week, but seriously. Can’t we all just bundle the little love bugs up and send them your way? We have gloves and stuff. And for those that don’t I will personally nominate myself to hand extras out at the door. I am being eaten out of house and home. The snacks are gone. The television is literally fried from over use and is heating our home faster than my furnace can keep up. My voice is hoarse from yelling at them to stay off the floors I’m painting. I mean, come on school, take one for the team here. These kids have things to learn. I have a blog to write and floors to paint. And I’m out of food. Our games are “boooooooooring”. I will say, however, that laundry has been a dream this week since no one seems to think they need to change clothes. There’s been ample hot water since the opportunity to bathe occurs to zero children. But, their teeth are literally falling out for lack of brushing. And apparently reading a book is akin to water boarding.
School, you are a portal to happiness for all of us. You are every mother’s break. You give us time to think and sit and do and grocery shop. Four children home from school for three days means we have digressed to WWA wrestling tryouts and my entire basement has become an obstacle course. Not that I mind and all it’s just that if I have to put out one more fight I’m gonna go cra-cra or body slam them myself.
These floors are getting painted come Hell or high water, but they are in the direct path to the kitchen. At least by now there’s no more food so the traffic has slowed dramatically. I would like to request that the powers that be consult the mother’s far and wide before you go swiping right on whether or not those educational doors open.
Mother of The Year (with beautiful white-painted floors and no more food)
Dear Trampoline Inventor,
I both thank you and simultaneously regret your ingenuity. This thing of yours is a bouncing portal for intermittent urine if I ever saw one. Four children out of this body…. You do the math on how things function “down there” before you go judging my bladder control. What is the deal? You literally step foot on this thing and you have an instant headache. Our children are the Pied Piper to this experience waiting to happen, however our spine is literally screaming at us “don’t you dare… you’re 40 you idiot.” But, alas we go at their whim. We go because they call for us to show up as “fun mom” and we don’t want to go down in their memories as the opposite of that. Ever. (SIDE NOTE to you kids: this is not the jarring, pee-soaked underwear kind of fun we moms want. I have an idea….. wait for it: Let’s play “Resort”. How about that? I’ll lie right here on this couch and you can bring me things like orange juice. Only, let’s have fun and ramp up the OJ with some adult bubbles. Sure – you can rub my feet. That’s what happens in “resort land”…. How about that? I can fun-mom that all freakin day long) Trampoline Guy, no-one wants to play “Resort” they want you to “bounce them down”, “crack the egg” and “flip the mummy” on a big black stretch of pee producing woven material on a thousand springs that occasionally pop off.
Life is a blast sometimes. Kids are the best sometimes. I love this contraption of a trampoline sometimes because they’ll play on it all day long. But, when they call for me – when they call for “fun mom”….. there is great sacrifice at play here. I mean it. Don’t think my 100 “not right now’s” is easy for me. It’s hard to say no to their plea for me to be amazing. Believe me. It’s just that I want to show up for them in seventy-two other ways outside of bouncing my way to a headache and wet undergarments and a fight over who purposely tackled whom.
You are a billionaire. No question…. And so is a Chiropractor. You guys had a meeting of the minds didn’t you? You guys are in cahoots with the roller coaster inventor and the paint gun inventor and the person who suggested reading books to kids at night at the end of a long day. Now that’s another super touching moment as I glance at the clock twelve times guessing how many more minutes until I’m finally alone with my thoughts. I feel awesome as I wonder if I can sneak in a flip of a couple extra pages with this next turn.
I’m a good mom. A great one. I promise. I just need you to know that “fun moms” all over the world have a love hate relationship with you, trampoline inventor. We feel the pressure to show up on this thing when all we intended to do was to stuff our kids inside and zip the thing close and….. walk away.
Cheers to you though! Thank you for your contribution to the American family nationwide. You have done wonders for boring summers because you’re always an option for play. You have done wonders for birthday parties and neighbor kids coming to our house and for moms all across the land who get to say “just go jump on the trampoline” when we’re told there’s “nothing” to do. But, I tell you what. You snuck this one in on us. We didn’t know we’d be required to be a part of your equation. So, here’s the thing. Can you go back to the drafting room and invent some stadium seating INSIDE the trampoline for the “fun moms”? This way- we’ll technically be on it, but our underwear will be dry, our heads won’t ache and that non-insurance taking Chiropractor will quit getting all my money after we experience your “fun”. Get to work guys. You can do better than just a flat piece of fabric on a thousand springs. Get us the Mom Seat please. We beg of you.
Changing my Clothes Now Mother